So we head to the hospital in just a few hours. I should be in the bed. I know. I really don't need anyone else telling me that. I just wanted to take a moment and record some thoughts. I have been asked so many times, "Aren't you so excited??" Well...
I have always wanted to baby scenario to be like the movies - water breaking, excitement, driving to the hospital, laboring naturally and a birth with no drugs. The Lord has obviously had different plans for my childbirth stories. With Addison I had low amniotic fluid and had to be induced. I tried laboring naturally and didn't let them break my water for almost 23 hours and gave in to an epidural shortly after. Mya's birth story is very long, but short version - I was going in for an induction and turned out I was already in labor. I was so excited! At 7cm, she flipped sideways, labor stopped and I ended up in an emergency c-section that was anything but calm. She got stuck and my doctor, me or Chad didn't think we were all going to make it out of the OR.
Because of all the Mya circumstances, Lucy's delivery will be much more controlled....hence the scheduled c-section at 37 weeks. No chance of going into labor on my own. While knowing the date and being able to make plans has been helpful, I have no enjoyed knowing that I am going to have surgery. I have shed many tears over why I can't just have babies like most people. Why does it have to be difficult.
The Lord has brought me into perspective on this several times. Many women can't have children. Many women have experience the pain of miscarriage. I am grateful to have had the privilege of carrying 3 healthy babies and having very normal pregnancies. I am thankful to the Lord for the blessing and gift of children and look forward to meeting Lucy.
Climbing on the OR table tomorrow will probably bring back a rush of emotions, even though I know things are different this time. I am looking forward to seeing Lucy, but I am not looking forward to anything leading up to that moment.
So I can't honestly say the overwhelming emotion I have going to bed is excitement...I'm not sure what it is. I get this weird feeling the night before having babies - like a stranger is about to come live in our house with our little family that is already established. I cried the night I was being induced with Addison. I was so scared our lives would never been the same again and was nervous about the change. Maybe that's weird. Obviously our lives have NEVER been the same, but have changed for the better and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So what I cling to for tomorrow is hope. Hope that God is able. I know, its just a c-section. just a baby. People do it every day, but when you have laid on an OR table thinking that your husband is watching you and/or your baby die, the feeling never quite leaves you. God is able to calm my fear, to bring me through and to protect our sweet girl. He is able to heal the scars, restore and expand our hearts for our family of five. I don't trust in my emotions or ability to heal and love - I trust in His.
I have always wanted to baby scenario to be like the movies - water breaking, excitement, driving to the hospital, laboring naturally and a birth with no drugs. The Lord has obviously had different plans for my childbirth stories. With Addison I had low amniotic fluid and had to be induced. I tried laboring naturally and didn't let them break my water for almost 23 hours and gave in to an epidural shortly after. Mya's birth story is very long, but short version - I was going in for an induction and turned out I was already in labor. I was so excited! At 7cm, she flipped sideways, labor stopped and I ended up in an emergency c-section that was anything but calm. She got stuck and my doctor, me or Chad didn't think we were all going to make it out of the OR.
Because of all the Mya circumstances, Lucy's delivery will be much more controlled....hence the scheduled c-section at 37 weeks. No chance of going into labor on my own. While knowing the date and being able to make plans has been helpful, I have no enjoyed knowing that I am going to have surgery. I have shed many tears over why I can't just have babies like most people. Why does it have to be difficult.
The Lord has brought me into perspective on this several times. Many women can't have children. Many women have experience the pain of miscarriage. I am grateful to have had the privilege of carrying 3 healthy babies and having very normal pregnancies. I am thankful to the Lord for the blessing and gift of children and look forward to meeting Lucy.
Climbing on the OR table tomorrow will probably bring back a rush of emotions, even though I know things are different this time. I am looking forward to seeing Lucy, but I am not looking forward to anything leading up to that moment.
So I can't honestly say the overwhelming emotion I have going to bed is excitement...I'm not sure what it is. I get this weird feeling the night before having babies - like a stranger is about to come live in our house with our little family that is already established. I cried the night I was being induced with Addison. I was so scared our lives would never been the same again and was nervous about the change. Maybe that's weird. Obviously our lives have NEVER been the same, but have changed for the better and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So what I cling to for tomorrow is hope. Hope that God is able. I know, its just a c-section. just a baby. People do it every day, but when you have laid on an OR table thinking that your husband is watching you and/or your baby die, the feeling never quite leaves you. God is able to calm my fear, to bring me through and to protect our sweet girl. He is able to heal the scars, restore and expand our hearts for our family of five. I don't trust in my emotions or ability to heal and love - I trust in His.
Psalm 91
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
So glad you shared your heart with us. .. will be keeping you and your precious family in prayer.
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