I Don't Got This

Bear with grammatically incorrect title. 

I wish I had time to write every blog post that came to my mind.  It happens almost everyday.  So for the next few minutes I will ignore the to do list and share a simple thought.

I had lunch with a cadet last week.  Talking to people younger than me always provides prospective.  I smile when they stress about their grades.  I ALWAYS stressed about my grades and yet no one has ever asked what my GPA was in college.  When they stress about boys  I am reminded that I have been married for 8 1/2 years, and I am thankful that I do not have to revisit that area of life again!  I am thankful for the wisdom that has come through age and experience.  

However, some of my favorite moments in those conversations are not when they learn from my experience, but when I learn from their perspective.  When the daily grind hasn't clouded their vision quite like it has mine.  Their eyes are a bit clearer.  Their hearts a bit more open to change.  

We talked about Galatians 5 - the Fruits of the Spirit.  She said, "After reading that for the first time, I thought 'That's impossible!  No one can be all of those things!'." Her words hit me like ton of bricks. My response was simply, "Realizing that you can't is the point."

My inner motto in life is "I Got This." 

Two Deployments (both during the terrible two's) - I got this.

Leading 3 FRGs simultaneously during a deployment in the weeks leading up to my first triathlon - I got this.  

Three kids far away from family's help - I got this.

Homeschooling - I got this.

MOPS, volunteering at church, craft groups - I got this. 

Wife, mom, cooking, cleaning, laundry - I got this.

Whatever life throws my way, I have buckled down, organized and sleep deprived my way through it. I am thankful the Lord doesn't swing a baseball bat at our heads when we don't get the message the 1st, 2nd or 459th time.  It has taken 31 years of "knowing" the right thing, for me to realize what this young lady saw after hearing it once.  

Joy

Peace

Longsuffering

Kindess

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

 

Those aren't the Fruits of Stephanie.   No matter how much I think I can bulldoze my way through life and keep all the balls in the air, I can't.  The Fruits of the Spirit are just that - from the Holy Spirit.  

A very common response when you tell someone you homeschool is "Oh, I would never have the patience for that."  Many of you have said that to me.  In all honesty I want to scream my response to you.  Not because I desire to be rude to you, but because of how passionate my answer needs to be.  

I DON'T EITHER!!  I do not have the patience to homeschool my children.  If you have said this to me, you: a) have just met me, b) have never met my husband (on a scale of 1-10, my ability for patience combined with Chad's is probably around -237) or c) think I'm crazy and your just not sure what else to say. 

There are many stressors in any mother's life, however I have yet to encounter one in my life as refining as homeschooling.  For you it is very likely something else.  Teaching my children and having them with me all day puts me in the hot flames of the Refiner's fire each day.  Maybe that's why the Lord has called me to this work - because He knows it is the exact thing that will push me to my knees and draw me close to Him.  It is in this that I can see that "I Don't Got This" ....and I never really did.  The Lord's grace and mercy is my life reach far and wide.  His patience with my "I Got This" attitude has been longsuffering.  Through this homeschooling journey I can clearly see that any joy or patience or self-control that I am going to show to others has to come from Him.  I am tapped out, and I think that is exactly where He wants me to be.  He needs to bring me to the puddle of tears and hands in the air raising the White flag of surrender to see that I NEED HIM.  

Maybe He doesn't have to bring you that far.  Maybe you are like that sweet cadet - you read the first the verse time and it clicks that you can never do that on your own.  I need Him to walk me through each day, each step.  I need Him to be wisdom, patience, love and joy to my children.  

The craziest part - that is exactly what He wants to do!  He never tires from me leaning in too hard or too long.  His arms don't quiver at the weight of carrying me through each day.  He is not annoyed with 

my relentless prayers for wisdom in raising our girls.  

So when you sharpen the pencil and are tempted to write a to do list longer than the paper, or commit more than 24 hours of your day, remember - your "I Got This" is so fleeting.